My sister asked me if I was okay, and I became aware that I was starting not to be okay; I was feeling tense and started to get sad again, the thought spiral starting. When in the hell will I get a job? Will I be able to keep my apartment? When will I be able to get the vaccine? Why won't Pennsylvania make more available in our county? Why am I so scared? Why am I so anxious?
I don't know why I felt triggered, but at that moment it felt better to admit it to my sister than to pretend I was okay. Even though I try not to talk about things that are scary to me in front of the girls because I don't want them to worry. But they quickly put on their superhero suits and went to cheering me up.
Don't worry, Erica, it will be okay! Let's play the game, you'll feel better. We love you!
Five-year-old Frida ran to get two scrunchies and told me that since I complimented her two little ponytails, she was going to give me two little ponytails, so that we could be twins.
Eight-year-old Maya told me about some ideas she had about things I could do to cheer up, and reminded me that everything was going to be okay. In fact, she promised it would be.
When Frida and Maya were comparing Uno hands, 10-year-old Luna ran to me and hugged me super tight. "Are you hugging me so tight because I said I was sad?" I asked her.
"Yes," she said and hugged me tighter.
I'm so lucky to have my girls and my sister and my family and my friends. The thing is, I do know it will get better. I can feel that every time something good happens.
So, that is basically my update. Still job-hunting, still worrying, but trying to keep myself in the present moment so things don't get overwhelming or if they do, they don't stay there.
Yesterday, to distract myself, I went down a weird YouTube rabbit hole of watching audience reactions of Avengers; Endgame. Then I decided to re-watch all the movies (except for Incredible Hulk, since it's not on Disney Plus and also contains 100% less Mark Ruffalo than the other MCU movies Hulk is in. This project will probably take several months or longer since I only watch TV in short 30 to 60 minute bits when I feel I can handle sitting to watch TV.
Another rabbit hole was the Fandom wiki of the MCU. I wanted to read about Bucky because I felt like there were some holes (non-rabbit holes) in my memory about his character and the character's development. The Fandom wiki writers are exceptionally detailed. Now I know so much about Bucky, I could pass a Bucky test or something.
Episode 3 on The Falcon and the Winter Soldier was - hold on a second. I was about to write that episode three was better than the first two. It was definitely better than Episode 1, but I'm not sure that it was better than Episode 2. Let's call it a tie.
I very much do not like this new Captain America, but I don't think I'm supposed to. Fun fact, did you know he's played by Wyatt Russell, Kurt Russell's son?
I was really surprised at how much I liked Zemo as compared to how I only tolerated him in Civil War! And, I was also really surprised at how much I disliked Sharon now.
Let's talk about Sharon. Well, really, let's talk about my favorite Carter: Peggy. Big fan of Hayley Atwell, Peggy Carter, and the Agent Carter TV series. The first season was better than the second, but I enjoyed both seasons of Peggy's friendships with Howard Stark and Jarvis, and also her basically just kicking everybody's ass and solving every problem on her own, never letting the sensitive egos of the men trying to keep her down know just how smart and awesome and tough and powerful she was.
I mentioned last week my theory on Steve and time travel, but I didn't tell you what it was. This is not my original theory of course, but it's a theory that makes sense to me. Kevin Feige has been vague about it in the rabbit holes I perused, and the Russo brothers outright deny it, but the Endgame writers Stephen McFeely and Christopher Markus, confirm this is true:
In her video interview with the Smithsonian, older Peggy refers to her husband. We never see him, but Peggy says that "Captain America" is responsible for saving him. At Peggy's funeral in Captain America: Civil War, there is an old man being comforted by the other mourners, but we don't see him either.
Hold on to your butts, you guys, because both men are Steve Rogers.
Steve goes a time-travelin' to return the stones and lives his life with Peggy. Peggy says "Captain America" saved her husband because Captain America time travelled so Steve could live his life with Peggy.
Meaning there are still two Captain Americas. The Captain America that's frozen in the tundra or wherever for 70 years before waking up to play the Cap role again, and Steve Rogers who, thanks to Cap, has been with Peggy for his whole life.
Therefore, Sharon Carter kissed her uncle and clearly requires therapy.
And as Bucky said, she's kind of awful now. Does she have an advanced stage of PTSD that I have not experienced and therefore cannot understand? Why didn't Steve help her get a pardon? Or was it beyond his control? Why did't anybody else? Was she too proud to ask for help, as Peggy would have been?
Hoping that gets clarified.
Loved the "move your seat" reference at the end.
Also, given that I never read the comics, this next sentence is not based on anything but I'm pretty sure Sharon is the Power Broker.
One more theory: Why is Cap aged at the end of Endgame and why is Isaiah aged in The Falcon and the Winter Soldier, but Bucky does not appear to be aging?
I've heard nerd podcast discussion on this, and here's my take. I don't remember "you won't age" being a super soldier side effect. Maybe it was in the comics but at least in MCU, it isn't (that I can remember, I guess I'll find out on my re-watch).
Steve is old at the end of Endgame, because if he went back to his date night with Peggy (though not sure how he would have done that if he had returned all the stones, but it's fiction and as far as we know, so is time travel), he wouldn't have been stuck in the ice and frozen for 70 years. Therefore, the Steve that is with Peggy ages because he was never frozen. Isaiah was never frozen either.
But Bucky was. Every time they winter soldiered him, they froze him until he was needed again until he just stayed unfrozen.
The Wiki on the Winter Soldier
Agent Carter on Disney Plus
Markus and McFeely on Cap's Endgame timeline
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