Answer: ERICA
Oh, thank you for the shout out, New York Times Crossword Mini! I do care. Usually. I try to be conscious of how I am treating people, what I am doing, and with the intention that my actions leave people feeling respected and not disrespected.
Except, lately, no one seems to care that much about disrespecting me. Am I going to whine again in yet another blog post? Yes, yes I am!
Take for example, my apartment building. I would never leave my trash in the hall to stink it up because I didn't want it in my apartment and didn't feel like taking it downstairs. I would never leave messes or trash by the mailbox because I didn't feel like taking them outside or back to my apartment. If I had a dog I would never not clean up after it. If I smoked, I would not live in a non-smoking building and torment all the non-smoking tenants who have asthma. I would not park so close to someone's car such that the driver cannot open the door without hitting mine. I would not park in a place where it clearly stated that I could not park. I do not shovel the snow that is on my car on top of other people's cars. I do not enter my apartment building or any of the common areas without a mask on.
But people do that stuff to me all the time.
And that's just at home. Drivers on the road decide that they simply must be ahead of me and cut me off no matter my speed, only to slow down or block me once they pass me. They go to a whole lot of trouble just to get one car length ahead of me.
Or someone at a store, will see me waiting in line and cut ahead of me as if I am invisible, or push past me despite the pandemic guidelines. Last week at a supermarket, after I had been knocked aside or pushed aside or ignored an amazing amount of times in just a few minuts, I actually said to the woman behind me in the checkout line, "Hi there. You can see me, right?"
And she smiled, I think she did because she had a mask on but her eyes looked smiley, and she said, "Yeah, hon, I see you."
And I said, "God, because people keep knocking into me and I thought I might be invisible." She laughed. Perhaps to placate me, a stranger and possible crazy person. But I'll take it.
Here's another incident, one that angered me unnecessarily, other than serving as one of the final straws in my feeling consistently disrespected. I have talked before about odd jobs I'm taking whilst looking for a job. One of the things I do is sitting and medical care for cats that have medical issues, because I can medicate cats quickly and know how to do it, and if a cat-sitter does not have experience with medications, it can cause undue stress on the owner, the cat-sitter, and especially the cat.
The owners of the house told me to park in their driveway rather than the street so that I wouldn't have to walk in all the snow that was shoved up against and on the sidewalk. I went twice a day to take care of these cats and was there anywhere from 20 to 45 minutes. I drive in the other night and there was a car not only in their driveway but blocking the entrance to the driveway so too bad for me if I wanted to park there. The only place to park was on the street, and the only way to get to the sidewalk was to walk through eight inches of snow in shoes that were not built for such an adventure.
Normally, I would have grumbled about it, but I would have parked in the street despite whatever shoes I was wearing and what being in the snow would do to my feet. But not today, sir.
Not today.
I stopped in the middle of the street and got out of the car to confront,, well, whoever. As I approached the neighbor's house in the dark, I saw three or four men sitting around some sort of bonfire or fire pit thing.
Oh, this is just what I want to deal with now.
I meekly asked to whom the car blocking the other house's drive belonged. The owner of the house responded and moved the car, saying, "I didn't know you were going to be coming to their house or using their space."
Oh, really? Because, you're literally always outside and you see me here twice a day, so maybe shut the hell up with your crap. But I didn't say anything, despite my increasing anger. Maybe because of my anger. He knew I was going to be coming over to their house, and he further knew I would use the space.
He just didn't care.
Now, I know everything goes back to the Law of Attraction. What you focus on, what you put energy to, you get back, multiplied. And now I wonder whether my putting energy into things I don't like just to have any kind of money come in until I get a job, is that somehow me disrespecting myself? And is that why I am in turn consistently disrespected?
I'm going to answer, no. But, I don't think it is helping my overall state of mind or my day-to-day experience, and I do think that I largely owe it to my inability to say no. I like the cat-sitting, that's cool. I love the stuff I do for the shelter because I love the cats and I want to help them. I enjoy selling wine, because free wine for me.
I think it's something else. I think it's me giving readings. Am I good at it? Well, far be it from me to say I am good at something, but yes, I am good at readings. I am good at getting people to change their thought patterns and even at helping people heal.
I just don't love it anymore. Did I ever love it? Or did I just end up doing it? Because I was good at it. It certainly isn't easy, and being psychic, or really being an empath, is not something that is tons of fun for me, but it's something I take as a responsibility and deal with. Some psychics say that experiencing things we experience is like the mob; you don't go to that life, that life comes to you. Actually, they say the same thing about cat rescue.
Back to my point. Maybe me not loving giving readings is why I couldn't find a psychic line that I liked for years.
Another way in which I disrespect myself is that I have trouble saying no when people come to me for private readings. I like to help people, and there is always a guilt associated when I say no, like I am letting someone down. Where does that come from? Probably being an empath and feeling like I am going to hurt someone if I say no.
I like the line I am on because all I have to do is sign on when I feel able, and the calls come through. I don't have to do anything but read. I don't have to market myself; I don't have to collect money, and I don't have to worry about what to charge people. It's all done for me.
So maybe it is not giving readings I don't love anymore, it is giving private readings. Because of my earlier-mentioned inability to say no. I guess what I will have to do from now on is if someone asks me for a reading, I will have to state that I now longer give private readings.
Okay, whoa, that's heavy for me. But yes, I can do that. Wow, this post has been a journey!
I know plenty of psychics who do not give private readings if they if they are affiliated with a line. Some lines even require that you bring your customers with you, like a salon or something. And iff I look at some of the unpleasantness that I have experienced (aside from the general unpleasantness of not having a business writing job yet, and more on that in a second), it has had to do with private readings. Not cat-sitting, not selling wine, and not even really the psychic line, despite a few people who let me know that they didn't like what I told them, unpleasantly. The upset and drain and anxiety and frustration has been almost entirely from private readings.
Why? I feel guilty charging people, so I end up shorting myself. Not anyone's problem but my own. Certainly I can work on saying no, and I will. However, maybe private readings aren't worth negotiating. At least not for me, and that matters, right?
One more thing to say about business writing. I love writing and editing. I love editing and rewriting existing text. It's fun to me, like a crossword puzzle. So, I think it is safe for me to continue the pursuit of a business writing job. I do not think I would short myself, because I love it.
I also love this kind of writing, and I love making people laugh and smile. I love to and want to help people. And maybe the way I can do that is not by providing people readings, but by writing things like this. That is always the key thing I do in any reading, help clients shift perspective so that they feel empowered and peaceful.
But, to give my ego a day off from telling me that no one respects me and that I'm invisible, I'd also like to know that people are seeing and reading and being helped by my words.
One thing at a time, though. Thanks for being my therapy again, you guys. Off to medicate cats now.
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