When I think about all the things I have to do, I get overwhelmed, but little by little the items on my to-do list are getting checked off.
After several meltdowns last week, I realized I had to take the advice I often give to others: Be conscientiously kind to yourself. So, this week, instead of panicking at how much I have to do to get my life together (clutter control, taxes, driver's license renewal, oh, and the small matter of getting a job), I praised myself for what I did accomplish. Every time I cross something on my list, Good job me!
My cats Quentin and Little Miss Sally Rogers have decided that they each like to play, and both of them figured, what the hell, why don't we play together? It's kind of miraculous, given that Sally doesn't like other cats that much ,and Quentin trusts nothing. Quentin is the big fluffy cat pictured and is my best friend in the world. He was the world's most loving cat prior to my hospital stay in 2019 when I was away from him for a week. He decided my being away was a betrayal and now trusts nothing. Yesterday was the twelfth anniversary of when he adopted me.
Little Miss Sally is the tuxedo cat pictured. She is partially blind, so sometimes she doesn't see something and then gets scared by it. I said above she doesn't like other cats, but she does tolerate them, mostly. She came to live with me last summer. I named her after Sally Rogers from The Dick Van Dyke Show, because I got her the day that Carl Reiner died. I also wanted to match her name with my other cat, Mr. Henderson, named after Sally Rogers' cat.
Mr. Henderson likes to play the red dot game. He used to, anyway, Now he just prefers to chill. In order to clear some clutter and to make sure the other two had enough to play with, I reorganized the cat toys, throwing away some of them, and separating them between the plastic toys that Sally likes to chase, and the catnip toys Mr. Henderson likes to snuggle with.
Why am I talking to you about cat toys? Because reorganizing the cat toy boxes was something that I had been putting off for a long time, and I finally did it! I did other things too, certainly. I cleaned out all of my kitchen cabinets, gave a bunch of stuff away, and I went through all of my clothes to see what could stay hanging in the closet versus what had to go in I Need to Lose Weight First pile.
When I was sick, everything was harder. Not just because I was so fatigued, but my emotional tolerance was down. I also was constantly on edge that what I really had was COVID, even if the test had come out negative. So, I was in a state of near panic for a lot of the past two weeks.
Despite the anxiety, Monday, I had an outstanding interview, but then I've had many very good interviews and they don't lead to anything. But I mean, this one, I was truly at my best! I knew what I was talking about; I came across confidently, or at least I felt like I did, despite having a cloudy-head and a fever. Each person in the Zoom panel expressed how they enjoyed meeting me.
At the end of the interview came the Kiss of Death: "We're speaking to a few other candidates..." I know, that's not always a Kiss of Death. But it has been for me.
Based on the experience of the past year, I should have immediately talked myself out of any hope of getting the job, and just let it go. I should have just said to myself, "Erica, good job, now let's move on to the next one." Completely putting it out of my head. But, no. There it was. Hope. Dare I allow myself to think about if I got the job? How wonderful it would be to have a full-time job, working at a company that seemed genuinely good, getting paid enough to survive, not to mention having insurance?
Nope.
Should have stopped that particular train of thought. I received, truly, the nicest rejection email ever. They enjoyed meeting me. I'm wonderful, and would have made a great asset to the company! However, I'm not getting an offer because they offered it to someone else. It was almost me, said the email. But the reason they neglected to offer me the job is that this other person had industry experience.
For about ten minutes, I was okay.
Before the crush of rejection hit me again. It's never me, it's always someone else, and I'll never get a job.
I know, I know. I'll get something at some point. But, still. It also didn't help that any time I allowed myself to look at social media, there were triggering posts.
This person got a new job!
That person got the vaccine!
This person working from home with full benefits and pay and actually misses going into the office!
This good thing happening!
That good thing happening!
But, not for me.
After a couple or three crying episodes, I realized I was comparing myself to other people.
I can't assume that just because these people are posting things that are true for themselves that are not true to me that that means I will never have what I want, or that their lives are perfect. I'm sure on the surface, to someone that didn't know me that well, I may appear to have it all to someone who is perceiving that my life is better than theirs. I haven't gotten evicted. Money is coming in enough to pay my bills, even if my rent is behind. I have adorable cats and nieces that think I'm outstanding; I have my sister, and my brother-in-law. Even their dog thinks I'm the best. Friends that love me in real-life and via social media. I have everything I need, mostly. Lots of food. Plenty of coffee and chocolate, and I certainly have a lot of wine. I have a lot of luck in my life, though some of it may appear bad.
However, no matter what happens in my daily life, no matter the pain or the trauma, the fear or anxiety, I realize that one of my daily affirmations is true: Everything is always working out for me.
No matter the pain or the struggle, it works out. So, therefore, I have a lot for which to be grateful. But that doesn't mean I don't have pain or challenge. And the same is true for the people who were unwittingly or unknowingly triggering me. They may have things I want, but that doesn't mean their lives are perfect, and even if they are, comparing myself to them is not helpful, it's hurtful and unnecessary.
Let's talk about triggers.
I know I've talked about trauma healing and the power of staying in the present moment before, but let me clarify that by labeling something that you may not be aware of, or that you haven't defined.
Are you ever doing something innocuous, and then something suddenly reminds you of something painful that happened, and instantly you are back in the moment that it happened, feeling like it's happening again?
That's Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
Feeling like the trauma or pain of the past is happening right now. When we are triggered by something or someone, the pain of the past is activated, and before we know it, we are there. We get lost in the trauma and we feel like we can't control anything.
Here's where the present moment comes in. What I say to my clients is: "Right now, you and I are having a conversation, and we are choosing peace. So, in this moment, there is peace."
If you catch yourself feeling emotional and reacting to a memory, and tell yourself, "In this moment, I am safe. In this moment, there is peace," it can help shift your energy so that you are no longer feeling overwhelmed by the past. You are feeling safe and in control. It is from this place of peace that you can hear your intuition, which can help with your long-term goals, including healing.
I also need to say something important here: Sometimes, we think we are looking for calm, but what we are really looking for is peace.
Calm and peace are not the same thing. The calm before the storm, right? Does that mean that the conditions that will cause the storm are not there? No, those conditions are already there. You just can't see them.
So, being calm is not being at peace. If you are feeling stuck and are actively working on healing, I encourage you to replace the word "calm" with peace. Peace is knowing that you are safe, that the situation is going to be okay, or even if it will not be okay, you are.
That is where affirmations come in! An affirmation is not just a silly self-help phrase. An affirmation is actually anything that we think or speak. Affirmations that we think or speak consistently start to become true for us. If that concept doesn't resonate with you, think of it like this. Anything that we think or speak constantly that is not helping us feel better or peaceful is not helping us.
Using the idea of acknowledging the moment above, you can add these affirmations in to acknowledge the present moment and feel safe:
I am safe.
I am always safe.
I am at peace.
I choose peace.
All is well.
I am peaceful.
I deserve peace.
See if you like those. If an affirmation doesn't resonate with you, it may not help you. To adjust this, try rephrasing affirmations using the phrase, I am willing, like this:
I am willing to feel safe.
I am willing to choose peace.
I am willing to accept peace.
If you have more questions, write me, or connect with me on Everclear through my Linktree!
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