I tried to reschedule my birthday but I was unable to successfully use any of the time machines or distortion techniques available to me. I tried Quantum Leaping but Al wouldn't help me. I tried the Dr. Strange portals and Scarlet Witch's time-shifting abilities, but MCU's Kevin Feige said something like my wishes were "not based in reality" and "these are just works of fiction," you know, typical stalling language. I even tried employing Henri Bergson's theories of time as a loop in which many moments can happen at the same time but that hasn't worked either. So here comes my 48th birthday anway. Yay?
I just want to postpone my birthday until such time as I can feel genuine happiness. Though genuine happiness is pretty much guaranteed because I will be with my nieces. But I mean, I wish I could look at myself this year compared to last year and say that I accomplished this or I completed that. Instead of, here comes another year and I'm essentially in the same place I was.
Not that I will feel "stuck" forever. And as demonstrated earlier with the explanation of the word "appreciate" there is much in my life to be grateful for and appreciate. I am still in my apartment, there is no threat of eviction, I have survived. Most of my bills are paid other than what I have to negotiate after I get a job. Quentin the Cat, my best friend in the world, is thriving, Miss Sally the Cat is happy and finally realizing she's not going to back to the shelter and she doesn't have to be threatened by her brothers and can even play with them. Mr. Henderson the Cat is still sick, but he's also still here and seems happy with whatever I give him. My nieces think I'm awesome. There are screams of joy and hugs whenever I arrive, even if they just saw me the day before. I'm confident in my writing ability and I know that I have a lot more that I can and will write.
I have it in my head that if I can consistently keep interviews scheduled, then it won't matter if I keep getting rejected. But then that creates pressure to feel like I have to have interviews scheduled most days. Social Media feels funny these days. So does approaching people about buying wine. So I have not been on Social Media other than to share an occasional link or reply to or send a message. I have been able to talk to my clients, and I think help them, but there are nights like tonight where I just don't feel I can log on. I'm not emotionally strong enough to help anyone feel emotionally stronger. Plus this way I can have more wine. If I can't drink wine on my birthday week, then when can I, am I right, ladies?
I had a couple of interviews this week so far. Did they go well? Well, I suppose one of them did because it led to a second interview, but it's anybody's guess on the other two. One of the interviews that I had today started off with a Zoom crash on my computer, so I had to quick download it on my phone. I literally thought, "What's the point now? I might as well give up on this." But I didn't, I used every coping mechanism I could think of to retain my calm and peace, and then once I connected I had to simultaneously find a good angle for my face, adjust the settings, calm myself the hell down and pretend I am someone that can roll with the punches all the time instead of just some of the time, explain why I was late, and make a good impression whilst being distracted by how my hair always looks on Zoom calls, no matter how it looks in the mirror before that.
The interviewer was super nice and understanding, and thought it was cool that I volunteered at a cat shelter, which led to her asking about my cats which led to my introducing her to them, because I am ridiculous. But Quentin the Cat showed her his belly, so if I get the job, I'm sure that will be why.
The interview ended, and then the other interview took place, and I repeated the process of pretending to be confident and flowing all the time instead of being affected by PTSD. This one was a phone call. It's much easier to put on a happy voice than it is to put on a happy face. After the interview, I felt depressed. That's when I came up with the idea of focusing on having lots of interviews, but I didn't see then that that idea is still going to reinforce feelings of failure and rejection.
I truly am trying to stay neutral, and not get too excited about anything. As I say to my clients, excitement and anxiety are actually the same thing, except one is positive and one is negative. The problem is, excitement can turn into anxiety, because the root of the feeling is not trusting that something is going to happen in its own time and wanting it to just happen already which plays into all our anxieties. The more energy we give to the idea of excitement, the more we can crash if something goes wrong. I tell my clients to turn the feeling of excitement into joy, and focus on being willing trust that you deserve this good thing to happen. That prevents the evolution of excitement to anxiety to the inevitable panic crash.
Okay, I think that's what I wanted to tell you for tonight.
More soon, you guys. I updated my linktree, check it out, it's super-fun!
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