Be My Therapy, Part Two: Responses to Rejection Letters that I would Like to Send

 

Before I ask you to indulge me by allowing me to write the responses I would really like to write to the two main types of rejection letter that I receive:

I want to give shouts to ProWritingAid!  They liked my post on Twitter and memed me, and then followed me.  You're good people, ProWritingAid.

And now, the show.  The letters you are about to read, like all works of fiction, are based in part on reality:

Dear Erica -

What a thrill it was for us to meet you and discuss your background and your desperate need to keep a roof over your head whilst pretending to be someone else in order to get a job so that your bills can be paid!  While we were impressed with your background, we have decided not to move forward with your application.  

Best of luck in not getting evicted!

Sincerely,

Company A

PS - We're hiring!  If you know people who need a job, please send them our way!  We'll take anybody.  Except you.  That's a hard pass.

My Dearest Darling Company A:

Hello!  

Thank you for ruining my afternoon with another rejection email! It is nice to know that all the work I am doing to combat the crushing depression that comes with PTSD, especially when it comes to my various complices with not being good enough, is for nought and can be undone with just a few sentences.

With your very kind permission, I would like to provide some additional information to enhance the meaning of your rejection letter.  Firstly, unless there was a ghost present on the Microsoft Teams call to which you invited me, there was no other person in the interview but yourself, and myself.  So I wonder who this "we" is that you are speaking about, when the only person that I met was you.

Also, please switch from Microsoft Teams to literally any other conferencing service.  No one uses Teams anymore.

If I run into anyone else that is looking for a job, I will be sure to refer them to you, after I tell them how ridiculous your interview process was.

Best,

Erica Vanaver

Company B

Dear Erika:

Thank you so much for applying for this position! After a thorough review of your background, we have decided to cease spending any time at you at all and move on to other, younger, possibly less qualified candidates.

We wish you the best of luck in your efforts!  But we actually really don't care, because we don't even know who you are!

Regard,

Company B

Dear Company B:

First, I want to make sure you have the right person.  My name is Erica, not Erika.

Second, if I am in fact the person you mean to reject, I want to congratulate you on being able to conduct "a thorough review of" my background when  you and I have never even had a conversation!  That is pretty amazing.

If I may share some helpful feedback: 

It is not necessary to send a rejection letter to anyone unless you have spoken to that person and allowed them to think that there was a chance in hell at working for you.  No one has time for that.

Further, I'd also like to say that I completed a thorough review of  your website, and the writing on it really sucks..  If that is what you think of as good writing, I honestly don't know how you've managed to stay in business.  

Also, I hope that once you get your website fixed, you will be able to invest in more than one Regard.

Love and Kisses,

Erica with a C

Check out my Linktree!