I am posting this picture of my cat Pip, who died in 2016, because his little face brings me comfort. Pip was complete and total love. Always happy, no matter what he felt physically.
I am not depressed, but I am fatigued, which sometimes joins with depression. I wouldn't say I'm suffering from depression at the moment, but I am wondering if I am ever going to stop having PTSD. I shouldn't say that so dramatically, of course I will. That's the PTSD talking.
I have been posting most days because it feels good to know that I am doing it. Some of my friendps will smile when I say I have "Tens" of readers. Not many more than that, but that's okay with me. Do I want more of an audience? Yes! But right now, it's more important that I feel at peace and get into the practice of writing every day than panic myself about marketing.
Every night when I go to post, I see how many people read the previous post. I'm sure if I was technologically inclined I could figure out who was reading it and when, but honestly that's too much work for me and I don't feel I need to see that level of detail. But there doesn't seem to be a pattern in terms of how many people read my posts and what interests the post may pertain to. I sometimes write a silly but hopefully funny post and that will get dozens of views; or I will write a more "important" type of post about healing or staying centered, and no one reads it. Or sometimes everyone reads it!
But it doesn't matter who reads what and when. If you are reading this, I am grateful for you! Posting daily has been one of the few things that I have tried to incorporate into my day, no matter what else is going on in terms of job-hunting or volunteering at the cat shelter or seeing my family or selling wine.
Sidebar: Did I tell you that I sell wine? You may have noticed this if you have seen my Linktree. Is it strange that as the daughter of an alcoholic I sell wine? I have decided that no, it isn't. I do not drink that much myself, except when I eat dinner because it makes me feel wealthy. A wonderful friend saw my job-hunting struggles and told me about ONEHOPE. It's a great company and the main reason I signed up for it is to help non-profits, such as the cat shelter. I raise money for charity and get free wine. And honestly, even though I acknowledge I'm not huge on the booze, it's the best wine I've ever had.
Back to my daily routine, I started blogging daily, exercising daily, eating better. When I am fatigued, or depressed, or triggered by something related to my PTSD, those things become more difficult. I missed three days in a row on the blog, but I still ate okay (I will say I had quite a few more cookies than is probably acceptable by any dietician), and I exercised about half that time.
The big thing is, when I get upset at myself, I just have to shift the conversation and tell myself, "Hey, it's okay. You're okay."
This may make me sound selfish, and I do not mean that because I am so grateful, beyond grateful, that I have gotten through this past year compared to so many others that have struggles. I have struggles but I also have a lot of blessings, like being able to write about my struggles, three nieces that think I am awesome, a sister that is my best friend, and lots of friends that I can keep in touch with through social media. I've been feeling terrified in a way that triggers me, regarding the vaccine. Every time I hear about someone getting the vaccine, I get triggered. Not about getting it, about having to wait to get it. I am high risk, but I am lower high risk they haven't even scheduled people like me which is fine, I'm fine, I'm okay. I can get a COVID test if I need it. I found that out because, I got a COVID test.
I woke up one day with a very painful sore throat, cough, and runny nose. I did not think it was COVID. I thought it was the weather changes, because I am sensitive to such things. I've been pretty isolated, so I figured I would be negataive, but I decided that I would feel better if I could get tested. I did a Google, and CVS helped me out. It was actually really easy to schedule and it was a drive-through test. I got a lab test so it wasn't instantaneous, but it was pretty fast.
Although, CVS, could you have made giving me my test results a little more stressful? I received an email that said, "You Have a New Test Result!" So I click on the link and it said, "Hi! Please create an account to view your test result!" Seriously?So I created an account. From the second I got the email notifying me of the result to the time I actually got a result, was five minutes. Not a long time, but making me create an account to view my instantaneous results kind of defeats the purpose of having an instantaneous result.
Negative, by the way.
End of rant, whine, and self-reflection.
We'll get through this you guys. Love you, friendos.
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