The following are actual questions that I have been asked in interviews or applications. The answers are what I would really like to say, not what I actually said. Mostly.
So, why do you want to work here?
I like to eat. Also, my landlord prefers I pay my rent. My cats also demand I provide them litter.
What attracted you to this position?
The words, "Now Hiring."
What stood out to you about the job description?
I don't remember. I was drinking. I sell wine by the way, would you like to buy some?
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Probably sneezing ,and then apologizing to whichever cat I scared, whilst looking for a tissue and my inhaler.
How do you handle difficult people?
I don't. You're not supposed to touch people at work. Don't you know that? How did you get this job?
What is your worst quality?
I have no bad qualities, I am goddamn amazing, is that not obvious?
What are you looking for in a company?
Someone that wants to hire me..
What are you looking for in a potential manager?
Someone that wants to hire me.
What are your thoughts on required interactions with Human Resources?
They're not human, and they have no resources.
What is something that you are most proud of?
I survived my mother's suicide and inheriting care of her abuser. What?
What is your favorite thing to do at work?
My job. You're not supposed to do anything other than your job at work. Again, how did you get hired?
What is your best quality?
My ability to make fun of people.
What is the thing that you most want your coworkers to think of you?
That I'm funny.
What do you want a potential manager to think of you?
"Gee, I sure would like to hire her."
What are your salary requirements?
That there be one.
What is your target salary.
A couple mil would be great.
What is your understanding of what our company does?
The writing on your website is so bad, I have absolutely no idea.
What do you want us to take away from meeting you?
That I am a good writer, a devoted worker, and you would be damn lucky to have me. Also, please hire me.
Do you have any questions for us?
Are we done yet?
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