Did you ever have a lot going on, and you're trying to "be strong" and stay peaceful, and find that you're handling all the big things well? Someone misses a meeting with you? No worries! Your event has been postponed because of weather? That's fine! But then something little happens, or maybe nothing in particular happens, and you have a complete meltdown? I CAN'T OPEN THIS BAG! THIS IS BOGUS! WHAT THE HELL? Oh, there it goes, I got it.
I have seen this in some of my clients, but mainly in myself: I believe it is a coping mechanism used when struggling with anxiety, stress, PTSD, or depression. Today, I was having a perfectly okay day, maybe even a good day. Wasn't I?
I talked to a friend this morning, and was talking about how I'm eating better, how my pilates helps with the arthritis in my legs, something funny my niece Frida said, and something adorable my cat Quentin did. Then within minutes, I was panicking, seemingly from out of nowhere. I started feeling out of control, and then heavily crying. She patiently helped me calmed down, I started breathing better. She said even more comforting things; I felt better though I felt horrible for melting down, she said we were good, and we hung up.
Later, I realized that I have been so good at pushing my worries away that I have taken no time to acknowledge them or comfort myself.
So I looked at all the things that I was feeling anxious about, and went through them all. I released a few of them (I thought), thought of actions I could take to prevent some of my fears, realized a lot of fears were from the collective trauma of recent past and my personal trauma of all of my past. I had lunch, turned on a podcast, and signed on to take some calls.
Then about five minutes later, I signed out because there is literally no way I can talk right now.
I did a few text readings and felt okay there, but talking to people made me feel raw, so even though working on the line would be financially smart overall, I had to sign out.
I worked on my job hunting for a while and then checked social media. Lots of complaining. Posts referring to things I didn't understand. General angry posts. A few posts complaining about the weather. A few posts complaining about the pandemic. A post from someone who had just received her vaccine.
Oh, hi, Panic Attack: The Sequel! Here comes the speeding thought train. Ill never be able to get the vaccine even though the asthma. I'll get it if I someone coughs on me. The asthma will leave me no chance and I'll die quickly. Even if I can be treated, I have no insurance! If I live I'll be even more in debt than I already am. AAAAAAAH! Okay, okay, okay, it's okay, I'll be okay, Erica, you'll be okay, it's okay, you are safe....
Aaaand that's me done with social media for today. Back to job hunting. Oh, look, an email from a potential manager. Wait, what the what? A bunch of questions to answer over and above the application I filled out, including things that have nothing to do with the job description. "You may be a rockstar but I need to know you can do the job. Impress me." Ew! Well, you may be a hiring manager, but your writing sucks as much as your attitude. I'll pass.
But wait, remember when I said I was done with social media for the day? I can't be done with social media, because I have to sell wine. That's one of the things I can do now to support myself. Of course, let's be honest, it mainly supports me with free wine, but hey, we're in a pandemic, certainly I deserve a couple or three glasses of wine. I kid, I'm not that heavy of a drinker, however I have found myself drinking more than one glass on certain days. Big, for me.
Do you know one of the things I like about selling wine? Reaching out to people. The problem? They think I am reaching out to them to sell wine. They think the reaching out is an excuse to sell wine.
But the wine is an excuse for reaching out. Hopefully, I can convey that in my messages. If not, I'll be sure to come back and report my panic attack to you guys.
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