Today I had another interview, and there have been so many cancellations, never-minds, and false starts in this, My Neverending Plague Job Hunt, I am now trying to just experience each interview and let it go.
I consider myself either an extroverted introvert or an introverted extrovert. I am, mostly, comfortable in conversations or in-person with small groups, and when I say mostly, I mean as long as no one is saying anything triggering or being otherwise unpleasant. I find being in crowded rooms or giving speeches to audiences greater than three difficult.
I think if I had not experienced the isolation and immobility of being so sick in 2019, followed by the broken foot a few months later, I would have had a much worse 2020 and have a lot worse PTSD now. The idea of self-quarantine that began in March came upon the country just as I was learning to walk again after shlepping myself around in a scooter cart. I really wanted to get myself a little bell. Most of my time on it was spent explaining to people that no, it was not fun, despite appearances. I started walking in my boot and practiced walking again in the spring of 2020, right in time for lockdown and for the transition from a working life to a jobless home life.
Which was fine. I didn't find it hard to be away from people, other than my family and the nieces in particular. I'm still fine with isolating. I really miss having a job and being busy and focusing on work. This one job in particular is remote for now but may eventually be in an office. Again, that's fine. I prefer at home for now because of my cat, Mr. Henderson, I really want to make sure he has everything he needs at all times because I don't know how long he'll be here.
But it occurs to me I will have to become used to acting normal again. Not cracking jokes or one-liners. Sometimes I can't help myself! It's what has gotten me through the past year and a half, my ability to find things funny, my sense of silly, and the joy I have when I make people smile or laugh.The cats rarely care what I say if I talk to them unless I'm talking about food, and in any conversations I have with friends, I usually feel like I can be myself and occasionally let out a Jerry Orbach-ian or Bea Arthur-ian one liner. The nieces love that.
To get myself relaxed about the interview process and not full of anxiety, I try not to think about it all too much, as I wrote above, just experience the interview and let it go. I was comfortable on the call I had today with a possible future manager, but I had a scare, because for a moment I forgot I was supposed to be Erica Vanaver, educated, qualified, and professional business writer; and instead was Erica Vanaver, humor writer and people pleaser, going for the laugh or the smile. My interviewer and I, the interviewee, discussed why we preferred phone conversations to Zoom-style video calls, and she mentioned not feeling camera ready at that moment, and something about her pants being too casual
Before I could stop myself, and frankly it didn't even occur to me that I should stop myself, I said, "Well, at least you're wearing pants, that's more than other people do."
Oops.
Silence. Not a long one. A long enough silence for me to have an oh shit why did I say that internal monologue.
Then she laughed. Not a polite laugh, but a genuine one. The type of laugh I strive for in an audience.
Do you guys remember how I told you to use that trick of counting to four to deflect tense situations? I actually gave that as an answer to how to handle challenging situations in my first interview with this company. It is what I tell my clients. Take a breath, inhale and exhale, or count to four so that can deflect any tension in the situation and then you can respond from a centered place, and not from a place of fear.
I'm going to have to do that on these interviews so that whenever I get a job, assuming I do, I will be able to easily perform professional tasks such as "talking to people" and "not saying inappropriate or daft things."
Four might be a beat too long, so maybe I'll try counting to two. Like a Lawrence Welk type thing. A one and a two-
...actually, better not do that, you guys know it doesn't take much to make me laugh.
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