This post is a little more serious than I usually go, but you know me, I'll probably try to make you laugh before I'm finished.Once upon a time I felt like I could hop on to this blog and tell you everything, or tell my friends on Facebook everything. Then in the last few weeks of 2019, it began to feel like all I was doing was complaining; and, several other things happened based on things that I posted that felt uncomfortable.
So, I tried to go back to a time where I didn't post my bitching and complaining on Facebook. The thing is, I enjoy not complaining, but, I am glad I did complain and post because I needed support, and I got it. Social Media is wonderful for support mostly, but can feel overwhelming, especially for an empath. Sometimes I need to step back from it because it feels like I'm in a crowded room with people throwing things. I usually shut it down near Mother's Day, because it's too painful and it reminds me of the worst times with my mother and how I wish she was still here because for all the pain and trauma, there was a lot of good. Like her laugh, her cooking, her desire to tell people off who had wronged my sister and I.
Missing someone is exactly what compelled me to write to you tonight. I used this picture in the blog of me and Quentin, because it used to be my Twitter avatar, a long time ago when I was super-active on there before it became a pit of anger. Technically I am still on Twitter, but I don't have a lot of followers and I don't feel super comfortable tweeting. Back in the day, I had my own little circle of friends. We who liked Mystery Science Theater 3000. The MSTies. We had our own little Twitter club and support system. I called them all my "Pallies," and I started a hashtag that I still see sometimes, #PallyPower.
My joyous Twitterverse lasted a good couple of years, until Facebook became a more compelling option to many members of my group and the Twitter family thinned itself out. Eventually I went to Facebook too, and that's when Twitter turned into an evil monster. Certainly that's a coincidence (or is it?).
Part of me wishes that I had never left, because I loved that group of friends. Some of them are with me ten years later on Facebook, and they know who they are and how much I love them, thank goodness, but sadly I have lost touch with many of my original group or found that our lives diverged such that we do not seem to be friends anymore.
One of my friends and I - we called each other Cousin, and he was the one that had named the twitter family "Twitterverse" - exchanged a few emails over the years, but the emails were exchanged sporadically, more than partly because I suck at keeping in touch. I try, I have good intentions, but I'm an Aries and I get distracted and then I forget to write back. Or the other person doesn't write back and I forget to check on them.
"Someone told me in a dream to talk to EV, and you're the only EV I know," my Cousin wrote in February. I told him it was great to hear from him and promised I would be in touch to talk, but my busy season was starting at work and I was super-stressed at that moment. He understood, and the last thing he wrote to me was, "Just remember, I was sent to you from the beyond!"
I replied that I would, and then I asked him to tell me how he was doing. Then I forgot and got caught up in the rest of my life with the many times that 2019 seemed to be consistently attacking me, and all the struggle, and was so in my own struggle that I failed to notice that he had not written back.
Because our communication had been sporadic since the Twitterverse ended, I didn't worry at first. Sometimes when people don't write me back, I leave them alone because I figure they're dealing with whatever they're dealing with and they know I love them. But I shouldn't do that anymore, because I know that I like when people check on me.
I saw my Cousin's name tagged on my Facebook at the end of December, next to the words "would have loved this."
Would have? I went to his page. No. No No No NO NO NO. This must be a mistake. Wait. Maybe it's just someone with the same name. Maybe it's not him.
No. It's him.
He took his life. And even though our friendship was only online and through email, his presence in my life made a difference which only hit me when I realized he was gone, and I was crying and depressed for days.
Even if talking to me wouldn't have made a difference, I'm never going to stop wishing that I had tried harder to talk to him and check on him.
Thankfully, I was able to get in touch with his girlfriend, and I realized I had to write this post when I told her that the world felt different without him in it. I wish I could hug her. Hopefully she accepts this as a hug.
The world feels different when those we love aren't in it. It feels different when you feel supported. I am not saying that feeling supported is the answer to suicide, because I know that suicide and depression are bigger than that.
But my Cousin would have supported me if I asked him to, even if he was struggling. I wish I had supported him more.
So if I can ever support you, please tell me. I promise I won't forget (but if I do, remember: I'm an Aries).
Love you, Cousin.
Suicide Helpline: (800) 273-TALK
Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741
Write me if you want to!
PS - I'll be back next week with some talk about Mercury Retrograde. It's nothing compared to 2019.
PPS - I'm in a work transition because of the medical issues, so I'm trying to meet my GoFundMe goal, if you don't mind looking, sharing, or sending love.
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