You guys, all I can say is, I'm trying, and I'm going to keep trying. I can't say that every day is consistently fabulous, but I have had many good days, and good things are happening with my writing. Freelancing is going well, and some of the fear about leaving my current job has left me. Being on leave has allowed me to rest, heal, and find writing work. However, given how this year has been, I am acknowledging that I, as the Internet puts it, haz a sad. And its name is 2019.
I am trying not to given in to the sadness. I think given how much pain, loss, struggle, and challenge, it's not hard to believe that I would feel sad. I lost people I loved, I almost died myself from an infection, I tortured myself for a month believing my thyroid tumors were cancerous, I had several asthma attacks at work, and then I broke my foot.
But I'm still here. I'm on my bed, propped up comfortably, warm in my apartment. I have a lap desk that I got for Christmas. I have my Ocean Wave MP3's by Kelly Howell. playing alternately with podcasts that I love. I have the miracles that are Disney Plus and CBS All Access. I have a giant floofy cat next to me and a smaller cuddly cat on my feet. I have lots of food. I have lots of water. I have hot running water. I have a lovely dishwasher, washer, and dryer. I have lots of pens, lots of notebooks, lots of chocolate, lots of coffee, lots of lives in Candy Crush Saga, and I also have some hope, and even the feeling of peace that every once in a while tries to overtake the sad.
The good thing is, the sadness is not taking over. It nearly did on Christmas, when I was so drained I felt like I was asleep the whole day, even though I wasn't. I wanted to share in the collective happiness of my nieces, their giddiness and excitement, but I was too much in my own head. It was like I was too physically weak to push all that stuff aside and focus on the girls.
Then this morning, I found out that a friend committed suicide. It happened a few months ago, but I didn't know until today. We lost touch because I am bad at that. I forget to check on people. He wrote me in February, I wrote him back, figured I would hear from him, and then forgot. And apparently three months ago he took his life, and I didn't even know he was struggling. I'm not saying I could have stopped him. I couldn't stop the first person I lost to suicide, a young girl that had more tragedy in one short year of her life than most people see in a lifetime. Of course all the trauma and shock and depression took over, and I couldn't help her, and just like with my friend today, found that she had died several months before I was aware of it. I can't help but wonder if I could have helped them if I had tried harder.
And then there's my Mom. I blame myself less for her death I think than I do for that of my friends, but that is only because I know I that I tried over and over to help her and heal her and save her, and I couldn't. The depression took over her brain in the end. I don't wonder if I could have saved her, because I know I couldn't have. Because I tried..
Anyway, I will count my blessings on into 2020. This horrible creature that is 2019 will soon be morphing into a hopefully more pleasant, abundant, peaceful 2020. And the thing is that we wouldn't be able to appreciate calm, peace, abundance, and love without years like this full of loss, pain and challenge.
RIP to those we lost.
Love you all, and keep meeting me back here. Thank you for being here for me, and I'm here for you too. Always.
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