I needed people to know that I was struggling because sometimes I don't feel that strong. People always tell me I'm strong. Last year on my favorite British soap opera, Coronation Street, or Corrie as we fans call it, a character was dealing with the suicide of her brother, and she was told, "You'll be okay. You're strong." And she said, "I don't feel strong. I feel broken."
I have felt that brokenness before, and this week, I felt it again. So I kept calling for help and imagining all the pieces of myself, my shattered self, coming together whole and healed. I am lucky and blessed that when I called for help from this hole, many answered, many reached out and offered to pull me up. I am gently encouraging myself the best way I can to deal with it and trying only to choose to focus on one moment at a time.
See those three cute small people in the picture? Those are my nieces. Talk about something that gets me through. I don't have children, and that's okay. I have my girls. They are all sweet and sensitive, as sensitive and aware of things as I was when I was growing up. I try hard to be for them what I never had. Someone to say, "It's okay. You're okay. Don't be scared. You're safe."
This picture was taken the day before their grandfather died. None of them really understood what was happening, except Luna who was still hoping that Grandpa would get better. We went for a walk on this day, and I forced myself to put my sadness and fear aside and focus only on keeping their spirits positive and helping them feel loved and safe. We decided to walk to a playground, and they all thought they knew where it was (I knew for sure I didn't know where it was) but we got lost instead and walked around the neighborhood. To paraphrase Yogi Berra, we were lost, but we were making good time.
We stopped near a church that had a gazebo, and they asked me if they could go in the gazebo and sit, so I said yes, figuring God wouldn't mind if they hung out near a church if it distracted them from the pain of losing their grandfather. Though it was an early May evening, we could hear a lot of birds. One bird in particular was very loud. The three of them were enamored with the bird and tried to find him (what they are doing in this picture). We named the bird Squeakers, and we talked to Squeakers, and I asked Squeakers to keep an eye on them if he ever saw them in the neighborhood. Squeakers replied with some tweets. Meaning he tweeted like birds do, he wasn't on twitter. I don't know, maybe he was, who knows what birds do when we can't see them?
"He'll do it, Erica, he said he'll do it!" Luna cried out happily. "Squeakers, will you come down and meet us?"
"We really want to meet you, Squeakers!" Maya said.
Frida joined in, "Please, Squeakers, please!"
(They don't usually speak in birth order like that but I guess they knew I'd be writing about this.)
Squeakers continued to chat with us but he never appeared, so after a while the girls asked if we could do something else. Well, 2/3 of them did, Luna wanted to stay and wait, but we convinced her to leave, and five minutes later we found the playground we had been looking for. They ran and played and had fun, and I chased Frida around as she ran and climbed and jumped, because she's fast and tiny and I'm a nervous aunt.
It's important to focus on things that make us feel good when we feel broken. I'm not saying it's that simple. I know for sure that it isn't. But this is how I am getting through in addition to doing the things you are supposed to do when you have PTSD.
A whole group of my amazing friends on Facebook are in my life because of our shared love for Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Rifftrax. Another group of friends is in my life because we are the "Tens of Listeners" of the Too Beautiful to Live podcast. Still another group of supportive friends comes from the Corrie fans mentioned above. I am lucky that I get to work all day in a place where I can also listen to podcasts in my ears. Then there are my cat rescue friends. Things that I love. I have just become addicted to the Star Trek series. I love writing, and editing. Coffee. My apartment. My Camry. My sweet cats. The girls. Making people laugh. Making people laugh with my writing. Helping people see things they can't see. Making people feel better.
There are people that I love that I haven't seen or talked to in a while. There are people that I love that don't even know I love them. There are people I am grateful for who don't even know what they have done for me. Choose love, and peace in the present moment. Right now, we are having a conversation, and we are choosing peace. One moment at a time. In this peaceful moment, we are not in the pain of the past or the fear of the future, we are here and we are safe.
I'll be back to remind you of that. But right now, I have to go medicate a cat.
Peace and love.
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