Rambles of a Caffeinated Empath: The Erica Vanaver Story

Okay, I'm in a stream of consciousness mood so this may be a bit of a ramble, so stay with me (if you want to.  No pressure, really.  Do whatever you want).

Even though I've been wanting to write an update, I haven't wanted to write an update just yet, because every time I look around on social media or in my email or at my phone at all, I see some horrible thing that's happening to someone.  So much pain in the world, so many others hurting,  So, who am I to complain?

Stream of Consciousness Note #1:  
Do you know how many times I have started and stopped a blog since Al Gore invented the Internet back in the fifties?  Many times. Never stopped intentionally of course, just didn't have the time.  It's different this time though because it feels like I need this blog to share my story, and sharing my story is what I am here to do.  Or, at least, helping others is what I am here to do, I know that for sure. 

So, what's been happening to me since I last updated you, since I finally shared my story about my mother and my childhood, and since I got out of the hospital?  I've come to look at the whole first half of this year in general, and the hospital experience in particular, as hitting a reset button.  As I wrote those first blog entries, feeling completely overwhelmed, I barely had any energy.  I propped myself up in bed and forced myself to write but really the writing itself forced me to write because it needed to be said.  It was exhausting, but it was necessary.

I am getting stronger every day, and I am now at about 60% of my normal energy levels, but when last we spoke, I was stuck at 30%.  I could give you a blow by blow of what happened when I went back to work, but honestly, my brain was so Swiss-cheesed (Quantum Leap reference!  Oh boy!) from everything that I went through and all the medication I was on that I can't really remember.  I do know I was welcomed back at work by many people, and that that job is an immense blessing.  Though it is technically still my busy season, it slowed down enough for me to catch up or at least get back in the flow of it.  A wonderful coworker got me a chair that has neck support, and that has helped too because I still need to "rest" or at least keep still.  I am still not able to lie down without pain, and the doctor that I saw last week said that it is normal to still have pain and normal for my throat to still be swollen and that it would take a couple of months to get better.

Talking hurts my throat but that doesn't shut me up, per se.

As far as my part-time job on the psychic line, though they were very understanding about me missing time because of being in the hospital and nearly dying and stuff, the system is automated and I was getting notices that I was nearing suspension due to missed time.  Surprisingly, I didn't freak out at this news, I just told them I would do what I could.  Let's just say the people there are more understanding than computers.  I didn't work a whole lot the past couple of weekends due to exhaustion, but I'm trying to pace myself so that I can work as much as I am able this weekend. The key part being, as much as I am able (without getting in trouble from the computer system thinking that I didn't work).

Stream of Consciousness Thought #2:
As a responsible intuitive empath, I feel it is my duty to point out that if you are reading this in the month of July 2019, that it is now Mercury Retrograde as of July 7 until August 1st.  Yes, it's real, just ask your social media... oh wait, you can't, because it's probably not working.  Mercury Retrograde affects communications and travel, and brings about many frustrations, making us feel we are constantly being screwed with.  But just know that whatever happens, something comes out of it, even if it is delayed.  And also, don't give it too much power.  It's annoying, but it'll go away.  Now, back to our story.

I have been supported tremendously by loving people in my life, and the big scary bills are getting paid, thanks to the kindness of others.  I have made four in a series of phone calls trying to get my insurance to cover my hospitalization and surgery because the code the hospital used has led my insurance company to conclude that my surgery was "not medically necessary."  I can't put those phone calls off too much longer because I only have a short window, until the beginning of August, to fight it.  But frankly, I can't deal with it at the moment.  Don't worry, if I may quote the great Shrek, "It's on my to-do list."

I struggled with asking for help because as I said before, there are many much more worthy causes, so who do I think I am to ask for help?  The anger that I have had at myself for, well, really I don't know what, I guess bad decisions? - that anger has made me say to myself, I don't deserve this help.  In order to get through that feeling of shame and not deserving, and to avoid going into a depression, I have been focusing on counting all the blessings there are, all the blessings that I have, and all the blessings that I see.  Or, should I say, I have been focusing on reminding myself to do that.

Stream of Consciousness Thought #3
I like writing in italics.  Makes me feel like Faulkner.  I love Faulkner.  Okay, back to our story again.

I mentioned earlier that this whole thing has been like a reset.  A few days before I went into the hospital when I was just starting to get sick but thinking it was just stress, I jokingly said to someone at work, "Well you know what they say, nothing cures PTSD like more trauma."  I was referring to my stepfather's death.  I really wasn't expecting to or prepared to lose him.  He was in my life for 40 years, since I was six years old (for those of you that are like me and may struggle with numbers, that means I am 46 years old).  He was just always there, always a presence, and after my Mom's suicide, that became even more important.  He wasn't perfect of course, but he was present, and he never judged me other than to be proud of me.

Once I was home from the hospital, I was just too sick to give in to depression or being overtaken by despair.  I could only stay in the present moment/  There was a feeling in me of, it'll be okay.  I don't know how, but it'll all somehow be okay.  Sure, there were moments of panic, moments of crying, moments of anxiety.  But the biggest thing I kept telling myself is, this will pass.

Two things that I consistently tell my clients/friends/anyone who may need to hear it actually helped me too, once I remembered them.  I will tell you here because that is what blogs are for, and also just in case you need to hear it.

First, choose to stay in the present moment.  Right now, you are reading this, and it is like you and I are having a conversation, and we are choosing peace.  So there is peace in the present moment.  If you start to feel out of control, you can remind yourself of this by saying, "I choose peace," or "I am safe."

And second, a good way to feel nurtured and supported when going through strife is to talk to yourself the way you would talk to someone you love who was going through the same thing.  It's unlikely that you would say to a friend, "Who do you think you are? You're so stupid!  You should be ashamed of yourself!  You don't deserve help."  But we think these things about ourselves sometimes when we are in dark places.  So instead, you say to yourself, as you would to someone you love, "It's okay.  You did the best you could.  You didn't know any better.  We're going to get through this."

I guess that'll do it for the update.  If you did not enjoy this, I apologize.  Can I offer you a beverage?  If you did enjoy reading this, please know that I intend to write one or two posts a week and I am glad you're here.  And here's one more for the road:

Stream of Consciousness Thought #4
I appreciate you reading this, there's so much I want to tell you!  Here are some miscellaneous facts about me:  I am an Aries, I'm a clairvoyant clairaudient empath, my favorite writers are Aaron Sorkin and William Faulkner, I enjoy podcasts, cats, coffee, and chocolate, and making people smile with my writing.  Meet you back here in a few days.  #Content #PeaceAndLove